메릴랜드에 처음 정착후 감사하게도 모르는 우리를 초대해서 환영파티를 해준 이래로 지금까지 10여년의 인연을 맺은 오래된 지인 부부 -사실은 남편 회사 동료임-가 연말 초대를 했다.
참고로 언니 남편은 울남편의 멘토이자 술친구! 이시대 정말 어른같은 어른이시라 남편은 물론 나도 좋아하는 분이다. ^^
미국 특성상 언제나 부부가 함께, 가정에서 모이는 만남, 정기적으로 꾸준히 만나며 오랜 우정을 쌓아가고 있는 사이인데 예전엔 번개도 하고, 서로 집을 오가며 술좌석을 만들어 수다도 떨며 잦은 만남을 가졌는데 우리가 다른 동네로 이사를 하면서 아쉽게도 그럴수가 없게 되었다.
오늘은 연말 모임으로 언니네 초대를 받았다.
같은 메릴랜드지만 사는 동네가 멀어 밤길 운전이 위험한 관계로 이제 술파티 저녁 모임은 무조건 1박이다.
시어머니라 쓰고 '적'이라 읽는 블로거 Lana가 말하는 시어머니의 독성있는 조짐 그리고 대처법? 아닌 알고는 있자...정도?! ㅋ
* Lanaregularlyofferssupport to women who deal with narcissisticabuse and other difficultfamily or relationshipissuesvia her blogs.
They don't call them monsters-in-law for nothing.
Mothers-in-law are notorious for being controlling, judgmental, critical, and overbearing. And like any toxic person, a toxic mother-in-law is a soul-sucking parasite that feeds on your misery. To protect yourself and your loved ones, you first need to know your enemy, so here are 14 signs you might be dealing with a toxic mother-in-law.
14 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law
She is always right, without exception. Which means that she's never wrong. She'll never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything. That would surely cause the collapse of the Western civilization and contradict the premise that she's always right. In her eyes, you (and possibly your spouse) are the only one to blame.
She is dismissive. She will ignore you for the most part, conveying that you don't matter to her. She will not listen to a word you say. She'll ask you if you're hungry, hear "no," and still put food on your plate. She'll also disregard any of your accomplishments as insignificant and unworthy of her attention. Only things that have value to her are important.
She makes it clear she doesn't like you. She will communicate to you, in a thousand subtle ways, that you are not good enough for her son or for her family. She will not say it to your face, no, but you will hear the message loud and clear. Depending on your self-esteem, you will either feel devastated or slightly amused.
She expects complete subservience. To establish her dominance, she will expect you to please her. That would include adopting her opinions, religion, culture, appearing at every family event, learning her ways of cooking, cleaning and just about everything else under the sun (because her way is clearly better), and, last but not least, giving her grandchildren. If you fail to do any of that, you are indeed a rotten daughter-in-law, and she has a right to complain about you to anyone who'll listen.
She has control issues. If she can't get you to respect her authority, she'll tighten the reins on her son, her other kids, her grandchildren, and as many friends and family as possible. She'll make simple things complicated just to prove to everyone she's the one calling the shots.
She doesn't respect your words, choices, or personal space. She will come to your house uninvited and unannounced, expecting you to welcome her with open arms and be grateful for the honor of her visit. She will look with disgust at how filthy your place is and how unmannered your kids are.
She plays emotional games. Her narrow mentality dictates that she must rule by withholding her affection and approval, so she will use silent treatments, guilt, blame, and direct intimidation to manipulate you and your husband. If he's not siding with her, she will be punishing and destructive towards him, too. At the same time, she will be demonstratively granting her love to his siblings and your sister-in-law.
She loves an audience, and she's very concerned with appearances. In public, she will enact a charming, cultured woman who is a selfless caretaker of her family. She may even be known as a philanthropist in her community. Most people will fall for that. They will not understand what beef you could possibly have with such a great lady. Don't try to dissuade them. Let them stay in the matrix. Let them enjoy their steak.
She's completely self-centered and narcissistic. Like any narcissist, she sees her children not as individuals, but as extensions of herself. Everything they do reflects on her, so she will go to great lengths to correct any "deviation" from the path she's chosen. That includes the people they marry; you. She will never give up trying to destroy your marriage or to control her children's lives.
She engages in smear tactics. If she feels that her seat on the throne is threatened, she will become extremely defensive and passive-aggressive. She will start a smear campaign in her community, trying to turn everyone against you. You'll know she's not pleased when you start hearing all the rumors and lies she's saying about you behind your back. Eventually she'll try to turn her son against you, too.
She's vindictive, spiteful, grudge-holding, and punishing. If she feels threatened by you, she'll figure out a thousand ways to make you suffer for it. Get ready for guilt trips, silent treatments, finger-pointing, button-pushing, and manipulation. She'll turn all of her affection elsewhere just to spite you. She'll play favorites with everyone else, hoping to make you suffer even more.
She shows you a negative side she hides from everyone else. At some point you'll realize that your mother-in-law has two faces: the nice respectable one she shows to friends and family, and the negative, critical, toxic side she saves just for you. And if you tell anyone, they'll think you're crazy for complaining about such a sweet lady.
She acts like she cares (but it's all show). There will be times when she's nice to you (usually, after you've done something she approves of). She might get you a nice gift for your birthday, support your opinion or compliment you (or at least refrain from insults for once). At this point you might be tempted to think that she's starting to accept you as a daughter-in-law, but don't be fooled.
She's just waiting for you to let your guard down. Don't lose your vigilance even when she's on her best behavior. It may look like things are getting better. Then, out of nowhere, she will turn on you again, and you will be reminded that she will never accept you, and you can never have a relationship with her. That's not necessarily a bad thing, by the way.
